I can't be a caregiver anymore

Jeff & Tammy Berner featured in our Cancer Patient Services Testimonial Video

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​I have never had cancer, but I have been a caregiver for a cancer patient.  My husband’s cancer battle lasted 8 years.  And, there was a time that I felt I couldn’t do it anymore...  I couldn’t be the caregiver.  I didn’t have enough time, energy or emotional strength left.  The reality is that no one is ever really prepared to be a caregiver.  You are just thrown into it.  We do the best we can. 

One of the hardest things to do is ask for help.  It is hard to admit that we can’t do it anymore, that we are overwhelmed, exhausted and afraid of letting our loved one down.  Asking for help is making ourselves vulnerable, and who the heck wants to do that? 

But you opened this blog to read this topic, so either you are a caregiver or you know someone who is struggling with their caregiver role.  So let me share some insights about caregiving that could help you or someone you know with their role as caregiver.

• Caregiving is one of the toughest jobs you will ever have.

Caregiving may be your second or third full-time job on top of already working outside or inside of the home and caring for your family.  Your role of caregiver has been added on top of all of your other responsibilities.  Most likely you have no formal training for the role of caregiver.  You have been quickly immersed in a whole new world, complete with a new language (i.e. medical terms).  Odds are, you are not a trained wound care nurse, incontinence expert, or licensed mental health professional.  But those professionals are there for you to reach out to, as well.  Medical professionals associated with the care of your loved one are more than happy to explain or show you how to do something.  Just ask them.

• You need to make difficult decisions on sensitive, emotionally charged issues

You may now have to take over decisions about financial issues as it affects your loved one and your family.  A cancer diagnosis is not cheap.  How will you pay for the medical bills?  How will you cover the lost wages if the cancer patient can no longer work or has to miss work because of all of the medical appointments and treatments.  You are probably the person your loved one turns to in order to make decisions regarding their cancer treatment.  Where should you go for treatment? Should you have the surgery?  Should you do both chemo and radiation? 

• Caregiving isn’t parenting.

More than likely, you are providing care for an adult loved one; spouse, parent or grandparent.  These are individuals in your life that you have related to on an adult level.  But, because of their type of cancer or the side effects of treatment, your loved one cannot care for themselves as they had in the past and may now need assistance.  Your support and assistance must be done with dignity and respect.  Cancer patients often get frustrated that they have to ask for help and often resist it (there is a whole other blog post on this issue). Ask first what kind of help they need and then also ask them HOW you can best help them.

• Caregiving can be uncomfortable and sometimes embarrassing for the patient and the caregiver

As mentioned above, caregiving isn’t parenting.  But in caregiving you may have to help your mother or father bathe or help grandma or grandpa with bathroom or incontinence issues.  These are uncomfortable situations for both parties involved.  Surgeries and treatments often involve loss of privacy as well; surgery incisions or wounds need to be dressed or cleaned.  Many times these are in private, personal parts of their bodies.  Again, the most loving method is to treat the cancer patient with dignity and respect.  Ask them how they would like to have you help them.  Let them direct you.

• Caregiver burnout is a REAL thing

Caregiving is physically, mentally and emotionally draining.  It is stressful to add caregiving duties to an already busy schedule.  That combination is a perfect storm for caregiver burnout.  What is caregiver burnout? 
          The symptoms of caregiver burnout are similar to the symptoms of stress and depression. They include:
·       Withdrawal from friends and family
·       Loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed
·       Feeling blue, irritable, hopeless, and helpless
·       Changes in appetite, weight, or both
·       Changes in sleep patterns
·       Getting sick more often
·       Feelings of wanting to hurt yourself or the person for whom you are caring
·       Emotional and physical exhaustion
·       Excessive use of alcohol and/or sleep medications
·       Irritability
(Taken from WedMd; http://www.webmd.com/women/caregiver-recognizing-burnout#1)
     If you recognize these signs in yourself or another caregiver in your life, take some steps to prevent or reduce burnout.
Here are several options:

1. Talk to another family member or close friend you can trust.  Ask them for support and/or help.  Seek out respite care from family, friends or local organizations.
2. Take care of yourself.  It is all things we have heard a million times; eat a balanced diet, get a good night’s sleep, exercise, and limit alcohol intake.  While doing all these things when you aren’t a caregiver seems impossible, focusing on one or two areas can have an impact in reducing burnout.
3. If you notice that you seem to feel your burnout increasing, contact a professional.  Cancer Patient Services offers individual sessions with Licensed Mental Health Professionals to not only our clients, but their caregivers and family members.  We realize that a cancer diagnosis impacts the whole family and offer support to everyone affected.

Lastly, don’t be too hard on yourself.  I can speak from experience in this category.  No one expects you to be Superman or Superwoman.  Ask for help if you need it.  It isn’t a sign of failure.  In fact, it is a gift to those loved ones around you that care and want to help out.